Pain and the blame game: how good a player are you?

When your pain has become part of your life to the extent that it is the foundation of your relationships, you are so deep into it that parting with it is almost impossible. It’s so familiar you do not see the patterns you create and seek out just so you can experience that pain and be recognised for bearing it.

Others see you repeating the same behaviours with new partners, and even though they may point this out to you you’re unlikely to let go. You can’t – it’s not as simple as letting go, is it?

Admit it: it feels way to too good to let go. Why should you not be acknowledged for helping someone who never helps you when you’re in need? Why should you be overlooked for always taking the role of the ‘bad guy’ when it’s obvious you’re not? Why should you not get credit for taking the blame and bruises in a shitty relationship? You stuck it out. You did the time. You’re not letting go of this legacy. The world must know. There are people who will appreciate your struggle and pat you on the back. So you keep telling the story of your pain; you promote it, you live it.

It’s hard to hear someone say these things to you about your pain and your struggle with it. It’s like having your favourite fairy tale being corrupted. The story you have told yourself every day is being challenged, and worse, it’s being challenged by those closest to you. These are the people who should know what you’ve been through and should understand.

These are also the people you should listen to because they can see, from the outside, how you repeat the behaviours which keep you stuck in your playground of pain. They may or may not understand why you’re doing it. They certainly cannot make you change the way you choose to live.

Ask yourself:

Do you want to live with your pain and keep up the blame game?
Are you playing the victim?
Do your actions every day reflect your answer to the previous question?